My experience with friendships started in elementary school. I remember being in a friendship trio and during recess, PE, Group projects, etc. we were always together. That is, until anything needed to be done in groups of two. I soon learned, I was the third person in the friendship, AKA the Third friend.
Dear, Third Friend
If you’re reading this, you may already know who the Third friend is.
The Third friend is the extra person that isn’t integral to the core group. The outlier whose presence is appreciated, but not needed. The outcast who’s invited after it slips that there was an upcoming party while they were present. If this is hitting close to home, I hate to tell you but, you are the Third friend.
My observation is that the common response to being the Third friend is to do one of two things:
- They try to escape their lonely position by recreating themselves in the image they believed would make them accepted.
- They will withdraw into themselves when they realize they are not valued.
Between my teen and college years, I found myself alternating between the two. It wasn’t until I finished university that I turned to prayer. I was too dejected to remain in the fruitless cycle of self-healing and I needed a power greater than I to fix me.
I asked God for people I didn’t have to chase, but who chose me. Friends who wanted me to be in their space. Friends who I could be myself around and, subsequently, don’t drain me over time. I began to pray this repeatedly and together with my therapist I started to shift my perception of myself.
My dear Third friend, I want you to know that you are an amazing person, and you deserve to be surrounded by your people. If you are stuck in either aforementioned two options, take a step back and examine yourself and your relationships. Here are some questions you can ask yourself.
- Do the people I call friends help me feel valued and important?
- Can I rely on my friends the way they can rely on me?
- Do I feel like I can be myself when I am with my friends? If not, do I even like my real personality, or do I wish I was like others?
- Am I okay with being alone until I find people who reciprocate my love and authenticity?
“My dear Third friend, I want you to know that you are an amazing person, and you deserve to be surrounded by your people.”
The Road Writer
These are only a few of the questions that eventually led me to being free of the Third friend position and gave me the space and mindset to find new friends who value me. That is why I recommend you go to therapy if you can afford it or work through these questions with a trusted family member. If not, that is alright. Maybe you need to do some self-exploration. Regardless, you will notice that these questions will become specific to you and your situation.
I know how hurtful it can be to consistently be the outcast amongst your friends. However, that does not mean you aren’t beautiful, fun, or interesting enough. You just need to get around the right people.
However, before you find your people, please ask yourself the suggested list of questions and become firm in your identity as well as what you need in a friendship. If you don’t figure out why your friendships have a habit of making you feel excluded, you will continue to fall into the same relationship dynamic you are trying to escape.
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