Find Joy in Your Present Season

As an avid lover of fiction literature, I have always equated my life to one large book. And, ever since I was a child, my book was supposed to have 3 distinct arcs. 

Find love, live on a homestead, and create amazing art. 

Yet every day, these chapters seem to become more impossible, and my heart has grown heavy with longing. The question always being, without a loving husband, my homestead, and the ability to create great art, am I living, or waiting? 

The only love that has been presented to me has been cruel, tough, and begrudgingly compromising. I nor my family have any kind of money or generational wealth to acquire land and as housing prices skyrocket, I will be blessed to even afford a studio apartment. Furthermore, the easiest wish I could acquire on my own merit mocks me as my art is nowhere near passable. 

I wonder, if I am alone in this feeling. This fear that as time passes and I am still in the same situation as I was years prior, that I am waiting…not living. Praying, how long Lord before I am finally living in my purpose! How many years must I continue to wait before I can be happy with my life, my surroundings, my relationships, my story? 

If I am not alone, I would like to share an epiphany I had a few days ago. As I was laying in my bed, scrolling on Instagram, daydreaming, and reading manga, I felt a sudden sense of somberness. I flipped my phone screen towards the sheets and rolled on my back to face the ceiling.

I started to pray.

And I didn’t pray as I normally did. There weren’t any tears or loud professions accompanied by bowing and worship music. Instead, I think for the first time, I spoke from deep within my heart. Very calmly with purpose and intention, I detailed my pains, my fears, my gratefulness, and my concerns. Oftentimes, when I pray it can feel like I am talking to thin air, and all I have is faith that I am being heard. But this time, it was as if he was right beside me, listening to every word. The following morning, a sudden thought came to my mind.

“You have never lived in the present”

So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.

Matthew 6: 31-34

My mind has always been focused on the future because it was in the future that my life would finally begin. Once I was finally loved by a good man, and once I had my homestead, and once I became better at my art, and once I finished learning German, and once I had kids, and…the list goes on.

I was so worried about my future I could not slow down and appreciate where I was. No, I am not where I imagined myself to be at 24 years old. However, I am in a place where I can learn, and fail, and grow safely. 

My mind goes to a moment I had while in a church in Strasbourg, France. I was thinking about my lack of a partner while in (supposedly) the most romantic country in the world. Plus, since thoughts like this make me feel pathetic, I began to spiral into a state of self-loathing. And yet in my mental descent I felt God say,

“Let me have you first. Just you.”

That jolted me out of my pity party real quick! My life was not going to start once I achieved that dream, experienced that love, started that business, owned that homestead, etc. It started when I gave myself to Christ.

I now believe that God is going to honor my prayers and I will see those dreams I have had since I was child come true. However, I also believe that God has seen fit for me to be where I am right now. I will not wait to praise and glorify Him once I have my homestead. I will not wait to love Him once I get married. I will not wait to honor Him until I achieve my goals. My life has one purpose, to love God and make the most of the life He has blessed me with. 

Therefore, I will start now. 

I will sing and praise and worship. I will study and serve and listen. I will travel and make memories and learn new skills. And I will do it all now. God is just as faithful, and beautiful, and apparent in my parent’s home, in a little culdesac, in the same state I grew up in as He will be when my prayers are answered.

If, in fact, this is a familiar feeling to you, let us enjoy every bit of our life today, and tomorrow, and every seemingly slow, monotonous day that passes. Let’s allow God to handle our tomorrow, but today, and every day He chooses to wake us up, let us find joy in our present!

With joy,

The Road Writer

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