Release your inhibition! Returning to my roots.

This place in my life reminds me of a line from Natasha Bedingfield’s song “Unwritten”.

“Release your inhibition, feel the rain on your skin!” she sings as the beat drops.

Although, I can’t say that I’m particularly enamored by the song, that line perfectly describes my current mindset.

I wrote in my journal last night:

“I want to return to the world of the uninhibited.”

In my last article I lamented about my abysmal creative state. This prompted me to think about how I was as a child and how happy I used to be.

When I first started going to my therapist, I remember telling her about a habit I had as a child that stayed with me until early high school. I would create vivid fantasies and worlds and immerse myself in them by spinning as fast as I could. I would do this every day, sometimes for hours. No one told me this was wrong, but it was seen as strange behavior and at some point, I became ashamed. I don’t know when I stopped or when I decided it was too weird, but I did. As I recounted this memory, my therapist frowned in confusion.

“Why did you stop?”

It was my turn to frown. “Because it was weird. None of the other kids did it. By the time I hit high school, it just felt weird.”

Without skipping a beat she replied, “Who told you that?”

I paused, a bit confused by her questioning.

“Nothing.” She said with finality. Almost like she realized something but knew I wasn’t ready to hear it (after 2 years I see that she was right). “It was just a thought.”

We didn’t speak of that conversation again, but it stuck with me. Who told me that the way I found joy in life was strange?

I would love to blame society, but I think that would be a cop out. No one ever told me to stop spinning in my room or daydreaming except me. I saw how my peers lived and how they saw the world and was tired of feeling left out. I wanted to be normal, because the way I enjoyed life was lonely. So, I stopped and conformed.

I have no one to blame but myself. Like most children, I wanted to fit in. An attempt at which I succeeded. I made plenty of friends and had enjoyable experiences in the latter half of high school. And to be completely transparent, I don’t regret my decision. Daydreaming may have been how I coped with having an overactive imagination in a boring world, but it was also an escape. It often secluded me from others, and by stopping, I was able to re-connect with the world around me.

Now, that I am older, I wish to return to my roots.

I want to dance for no reason in the middle of the night.

I want to create stories that no one will ever see, just for the fun of it.

I want to sprint in the rain while pretending like I’m a spartan warrior delivering a life-saving message to the general.

I want to be silly again, even if nobody else understands it.

I understand myself and God understands me. He knows the ins and outs of my mind and not once did he ever shun me for my “oddness”.

At this point in my life, I just want to realign my life with my core personality.

Unhinged creativity!

Besides, I already do plenty of things I don’t like in order to remain a responsible adult. Shouldn’t I at least be able to fill the rest of my time with personal whimsy?

Yes. Yes indeed.

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