My Struggle With Walking by Faith: I’m Tired.

Earlier this year I spoke about how God had been leading me to walk in faith as a way of life. Ever since, everyday has been a committed effort to trust and have faith in God.

And I am not exagerrating.

Every. Single. Day.

God has removed all of my previous coping mechanisms and has forced me to rely on him daily for my needs and emotions.

As beautiful as that may sound, I must admit…I’m tired!

I did not realize how tiring trusting and relying on God would be for someone like me. I thought it would be like a weight was lifted off me since I was finally able to rely on someone.

The problem?

As stressful as relying on myself to fix everything was for me, it is just as stressful (if not more) to rely on someone else. And apparently, at least for me, that includes God.

I know it’s taboo to say that and it is also a little foolish. Who else should I rely on if not God himself? The Omnipotent, all powerful, all knowing God!

My difficulty lies in God’s discretion. I don’t know what He is doing or if He will do something. He is not my slave who does whatever I ask Him to do. He is his own person, and I just make suggestions and requests. With that understanding I don’t know what He is going to do, how He is going to do it, or if He is going to do it.

This transition of placing my hope in God rather than in my prayers has been more than difficult! And I’m exhausted.

I’m Scared

Not one day is consistent and nothing I have prayed for has happened the way I wanted it to. Nothing is happening the way I would have planned it. My entire future is uncertain.

And as much as I am exhausted, I must admit, I am scared. I know that the spirit of fear is not of God but it does not mean that we do not still wrestle with that spirit. And trust and believe, I am still wrestling with it!

My mind goes to when I had to walk outside at night using a flashlight. The light illuminates more with each step but it does not take away the fear of what it’s going to illuminate next.

As wonderful as relying on God is, it is still very scary for me right now and not a day goes by that I feel confident in where I am walking. I am