Emotions, Anxiety, and Self-Worth: Exposing my Mind

An Introduction to my mind

As I have stated before on this blog, I struggle heavily with anxiety, worry, and balancing my emotions. Recently I have really tried to figure out why.

Deconstructing the mind is a lengthy and sometimes exhausting process. Learning why you think a certain way and then breaking down what caused you to think that way and THEN re-learning how to think in a healthy way is a tiring process. Yet, through allowing myself to sit with my thoughts and bring them to God (and my therapist), I have been able to understand my mind and how it works.

Here are a few things I have learned about myself through sitting with my emotions and truly analyzing the inside of my mind.

1. My emotions are reliant on the emotions of others

I never understood my friends who were able to “not care” what people thought. They were able to say what they wanted and do what they wanted without fear of disappointment. The emotions and thoughts of those around them did nothing to their own emotions.

To my annoyance I am not wired that way.

Although I won’t unpack what has led me to this mindset, I am aware that I feel emotionally unstable if the emotions of the people around me are also unstable. This is especially the case if these, often times, negative emotions are directed towards me. Friend or foe is not a factor when considering others emotions. Somehow everyone’s thoughts affect mine own. This includes, much to my aggravation, the thoughts that I think a person has towards me.

Yes, I know. Extremely Unhealthy.

Unfortunately, this means I struggle to allow others to go through their own emotions regardless if they are negative or positive.

Emotions such as anger, sadness, and disappointment are not “bad” emotions. They are normal and it is good and sometimes healthy to feel them and process them. But to avoid that process I will do everything in my power to keep others, especially those I care about, from experiencing negative thoughts towards me.

If someone I love is unhappy with me, I don’t feel stable and instability makes me fearful. Which leads me to my next point.

2. My self-worth is directly linked to the acceptance of others

Almost everything I have ever done that was noteworthy was done on the advice and beliefs of others. My career, my church, and many of my decisions were based on what I felt others thought would be best. In my mind, if I do not become what people need me to be then what worth do I have? I will never forget being told when I was around 6-7 years old that I couldn’t just be good.

I had to be excellent.

So excellent I have always strove to be. But what is excellence? That information was never provided.

So I provided my own definition. Excellence is what others deem praiseworthy. Thus I centered my life on being praiseworthy. I always had good grades, I excelled in extracurriculars, I went to college and graduated, I got a good-paying job, I traveled, etc. But when I sat with myself and really contemplated my life, I realized I was secure and stable but I never did what I wanted to do.

I never took the necessary risks and I always avoided failure, because failure isn’t praiseworthy. If I fail too much, then that is what others will see me as.

A failure.

3. I don’t trust myself

I do not trust myself to make the right decision.

Every “risk” I take is calculated through vigorous research (the opinions of strangers) and advice from friends and family (the opinions of loved ones). The thought of realizing I made the wrong decision after the consequences have already been made public terrifies me to my core.

So instead of failing, I seek reassurance from my family, friends, and vigorous research. If they think it’s a bad idea then it’s a bad idea. When my dreams are too risky, I drop them immediately and I don’t pick them back up, save for a glance or two of longing and regret.

And I suffer regularly because of it. I often find myself in headspaces where I am filled with mourning of who I could be or where I could be if I only allowed myself to take the risk. My potential suffers because I always want to play it safe.

Yes, I pray about my decisions as well but I fear God is not always clear enough. It has been my understanding that most God-led decisions rely more on faith than proper planning. Which is not my strong suit (more on that here). Which leads me to struggle to trust and obey what God tells me to do.

Once again landing right back in the safe zone.

4. Anxiety was both a curse and comfort to me

I didn’t used to think I had anxiety. I experienced my first mental breakdown after college without any triggers. Prior to this, I thought everyone thought like me and my anxiety was primarily based on school stress. It wasn’t until recently where I realized I had struggled with anxiety since I was a child.

I just thought it was normal.

My first breakdown was not after college but it had been happening nearly every week and at certain points everyday all my life. I just used poor coping mechanisms to deal with it. Because at the end of the day I was always labeled as “too sensitive”. So if I couldn’t cry and if I couldn’t tell anyone I would just cry privately. The majority of my middle and highschool days were spent excusing myself to the bathroom so I could “get myself together”. No body wants to see all of that and no one cares.

To be honest, I still feel that way. To be fair, I am a little more self-aware now and I am able to articulate my emotions more clearly than when I was a hormonal pre-teen.

The point is I did not see what I was dealing with as a problem. I never called it anxiety, it was just who I was. Unwittingly, my anxiety slowly became my identity without realizing it. Constant mental fatigue and chronic worrying were just apart of me. and strangely enough, it was both a curse and a comfort to me.

Anxiousness allowed me to take my fears and almost control them. If I worry about my fears, then I will do everything in my power to make sure those fears do not come to fruition.

It was my protection and I viewed it as such for years. Yes i hated that I was always one straw away from an emotional explosion but it was this constant fear and worrying that allowed me to achieve and become who I was. Everything from being a great academic to being an empathetic friend came from this personality trait.

Or so I thought.

It is not until recently that I see my so called “preparedness” for what it really is. A whole lot of fear and a deep mistrust of God.

Summary: I’m Learning

The mind is a tricky place. Yet, in the same breath, it is this same mind that is the

For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.

Proverbs 23:7 NKJV

I am so grateful that God has blessed me with a desire to unlearn bad habits and toxic thinking. Through research, therapy, quiet time, my friends, and the Word of God I have been able to unpack myself. I am still unpacking myself. My mind is too integral to my character to leave it to its own devices. God has called all of us to be intentional with our minds.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Romans 12:2 NKJV

Although this post is more about my flaws, I am not content with the knowledge of my brokeness. Now that I see myself I can bring these broken thought processes to God for healing, renewing, and deliverance.

My emotions, anxiety, and self worth; I place them all in His hands knowing He is the only one who can save me from myself.

With Love,

The Road Writer

What are some mental shortcomings you have learned about yourself? Comment down below!

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